There Is Hope <3

Updated: May 2, 2023

hope | hōp| noun

a feeling of trust

I never knew life nor the importance of living until I met death. I never felt this indescribable feeling until recently, and realized just how oblivious to this feeling I was. Grief is weird, messy, and painfully beautiful. I lost someone who meant so much to me. I'd never experienced anything like it before. My emotions at times shock me in how unexpected and indescribable they are. Grief is something you never fully understand until you experience it. Weird, is the best term I could use to describe it.

I didn't expect this, but no one ever does. My tears are met with peace and smiles of reminiscing my Pops. I believe I'll be okay, but for now I have to take my time. It's all still very hard and such a blur towards my denial.

My therapist described my healing as right on time because denial is the first stage towards healing. Who would of thought, right? I've attended therapy for about a month in a half now, and I love it. I look forward to getting my emotions all out, and began to heal with reassuring feedback.

Therapy isn't only for the mentally ill.

Therapy isn't for those who will possibly commit suicide.

Therapy isn't just for those deemed as unstable.

Ultimately, therapy is healthy. Therapy is conclusive towards everyone, even those with good mental health statuses. Therapy is advice. We all seek advice rather from parents, spouses, or friends. My therapist happens to house factual base knowledge that'll help me cope or heal gracefully. He's a professional, but I also view him as a friend. As children we're given the knowledge of how important dental health is. We've conditioned ourselves to brush our teeth everyday for the rest of our lives, and we've added trips to the dentist to our yearly to do list. Because well, decaying teeth aren't ideal. Why not do the same for your mental health? Why not better your life by advocating for your mental well-being?

I've chosen to and it's rewarding but, it's also hard work. Some days happen easier than others, but the choice is all up to me.

I've analyzed my life in all I've gain and loss, and it was all needed in someway. Rather, I see it now or not, you can't have everything all at once. Or can you? I miss my dad, but I've surrendered him and his life to God. Acknowledging this isn't the end of my story nor his legacy. In some ways I'm almost certain it's just begun.

I'll say I'm tempted everyday with doubt, anger, and sadness. It eats me up! But struggle never ends. I'm growing to understand it's all in how I manage and place these feelings. My therapist would always say, "feelings aren't permanent." Therefore, it's all about how I choose to handle them in the present moment.

I've been overwhelmed. The world never sleeps, but I have to. I am now able to accurately label my emotions instead of downing them in "I don't know's." Also, I'm now able to talk myself through them effectively. Who would of thought that would be so complicated? But it is, and my realization of the control I have was once so meaningless.

In Preparation

I've always heard whenever someone passes away they clean, mend relationships, and even repent. I'm not sure if this was my dad's method, but in some ways I believe I was preparing. I didn't know what I was preparing for exactly, nor would I say I was expecting this out of all things. My preparation consisted of me talking more to God and truly taking time to hear his response, prioritizing my mental health with starting therapy, and lastly experiencing a period of isolation from people I love.

During those lonely nights of just myself, I was annoyed and felt punished. I questioned, why me and what exactly did I do to piss God off? But, changes in my perspective and my dad's passing highlighted my era's why.

Who's to say if my dad passed prior to his passing, I would of been capable of handling it as gracefully. I know this for a fact. My dad utimately served his purpose. God called him home and for that I'm alright. I'm looking to serve my purpose and I hope you all are too.

In Grief

Tomorrow isn't promised with the ones you love. Honor them all today.

I've been given strength that I never knew I had, but I can only think I now have a personal angel who's dedicated to me and my well-being.

So yes, There is Hope in darkness, sadness, isolation, and grief. I say that because I'm living it.

Transitions are beautiful and that is all death is. We should all look forward to transforming one day. Fear not for going home to God is beautiful.

Surrender to your Grief journey. After all you can't skip it nor rewind it.

There is Hope for my pain.